Heir Heads

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The last of the dishes put away and both dogs farting up a storm after polishing off the unwanted sprouts, at 3pm everyone gathered in front of the TV for Betty’s annual Christmas message to the nation. At 93, The Queen appeared staid and resolute, a safe pair of hands to see us through the next 12 months. She’s actually doing just fine, it’s the rest of the family that’s the problem.

Her Madge described 2019 as “quite bumpy” but that’s just how Philip drives after he’s had a few. Not only does he ram cars off the road, Philip’s a ticking time bomb who will say anything to anyone, especially if they’re foreign. Quite rich considering his father was Prince Andrew of Greece & Denmark, his mother was Princess Alice of Battenberg, Granny was a Russian and he was born in Greece but educated in France, Germany and England. Between them, they cover more countries than EasyJet.

And Prince Andrew, wherever you are, you may want to raise this with your therapist: When your father was 18 he was already corresponding regularly with your mother who was all of 13 years old.


Harry and Meghan went to Africa on their first tour abroad to get away from the media but brought along the British media to film their every move in a documentary entitled Harry and Meghan: An African Journey (with the British media). During an interview with the British media they complained that they’re tired of, uh… media attention. Then Harry put the boot into his brother, the future king, admitting they hate each other’s guts so good luck with the British media when they follow up on that juicy tidbit. Wills then hit back saying he’s “worried Harry might be bonkers,” which Harry then proved by announcing he’s making a documentary on mental health with Oprah. Fanta Pants then divested himself of the charity he set up with Baldy in 2009 to start his own charity with his new wife. Then the rumours that Kate and Meghan can no longer stand living in the same kingdom became evident when the Sussexes vacated Kensington Palace for an enchanted cottage guarded by poisonous frogs in the grounds of Westeros Castle.

This is TOWIE with jousting.

And it’s gonna be epic.

To cross over to the Dark Side completely, however, requires an examination of Princess Anne. And yes, she’s hard working but so are fire ants. For her Duke of Edinburgh Award, it’s rumoured a young Anne commissioned a Prince Philip wind-up doll capable of killing the rest of the royals. Often misidentified as ‘the Amish horse hand’ by members of the Household Cavalry, an awkward Anne clung on to the fact that she remained the only princess in a stable of princes.

And then in walked Diana.

[the sound of a toy chest opening followed by some sort of wind-up mechanism]

Having crossed her off their list, father and daughter then turned their sights on the next interloper. Rumour has it that during her initial stay at Kensington Palace, Prince Philip presented Kate Middleton with a Diana doll sans tête. While examining it thoughtfully, if not warily, their guest made a mental note of her nearest exit.

“She was pretty… like you,” Princess Anne remarked. “She’s not pretty now, though – I’m the pretty princess now.”

“Isn’t she missing something?” Kate asked, pointedly.

“Oh, my bad,” Anne apologised, crushing her can of Pilsner and flicking it at her. “There’s the car.”

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