light verse and much, much worse
Winter stops us in our tracks
With biological attacks
Perhaps to kick us into touch
Because it doesn’t like us much.
The common cold, the experts note,
Is still without an antidote.
As for the ‘flu, we get the shot
Which seems more like an afterthought.
Coughing, sneezing… who’d desire us?
It’s our friend, the winter virus.
Ironic, because when it strikes us
It’s just saying that it likes us.
My love swears I snore like a bear
This is a husband’s fate.
A wife’s is to give thankful prayer
That men don’t hibernate.
No sunburned noses at the beach
No crab apples just out of reach
No jasmine to infuse the breeze
No lavender to make us sneeze
No sandals piled outside the door
No evening strolls along the shore
No watching cats chase butterflies
No lemonade, no record highs
No counting ants, as they file past
No starlit skies, now overcast.
Even old folks can’t remember
Why it is, we have November.
Marie Curie led the way in radiation theory
Stubbornly pursuing every scientific query.
This dangerous endeavour which our hero chose to write on
Led to one advantage: she could read without the light on.
A problem shared is a problem halved…
In your case, this is true.
For, when we meet I have but one
Yet somehow leave with two.
God is an Englishman
He wears a bowler hat
He gave us brollies for the rain so folk can stop to chat.
His favourite meal is fish & chips and if he’s staying in
He likes to watch the cricket, eating biscuits out the tin.
He cheers on Blackburn Rovers and when in The Great Beyond
He drives an Aston Martin, telling angels: “Call me Bond.”
He sent us earthly kings and queens to reign on his behalf
Then sent The Benny Hill Show to make everybody laugh.
God is an Englishman
Sublime and yet absurd
A marvel we commemorate each April 23rd.
In this age of doublespeak, I’ve come up with alternative definitions for the following:
burger: what a tiger says when it’s cold outside
understandable: what a matador hopes to do
dresser: a personal valet’s job
earring: tinnitus
tumour: ordering another round for you and a mate
former: ordering a round of doubles for you and a mate
forests: bracelets
tracking: Usain Bolt
parking: Tiger Woods
blinking: Kanye West
bonking: Hugh Hefner
mismanagement: the yellow Tic Tac
permits: gloves for stroking your cat
whisky: very much like a whisk
fetish: not unlike a fet
sofa: up until now
mastered: everyone taking a dump at the same time
Hebrew: Jewish beer
Catholic: someone with an abnormal dependence upon cats
Muslim: what the law requires of dog owners
ornate: have you considered Nate?
window: what gamblers hope to do
papal: directions for using a slot machine
president: the resulting damage when a gift is dropped
icon: mirage
painting: what you see a doctor for in Jamaica
terrier: more like Terry than Terry
school: fine by me
Romania: the latest rowing craze
Slovak: Vak with a low IQ
Budapest: Siddhartha Gautama’s interminable chanting
miming: in reply to Which of your vases do you treasure most?
presume: before the jet engine
confound: the recapturing of an escaped convict
subdued: underwater mariner
analogue: proctologist’s casebook
duplicity: New York, New York
popsicle: father’s scythe
abundance: twerking
distant: a scorned sister of your father
tantric: skin bronzer
carnation: USA
statutory: a bust of Winston Churchill
psychopath: a trail for the insane
francophone: telecommunication handset for Spanish generals
bisect: niche cult for those who swing both ways
comradeship: the Potemkin
mango: “I believe the gentleman’s leaving”
sarcasm: existential void that existed between Nikolai II and his people
oxymoron: air-head
sensible: have Cybill go
freedom: what Lincoln did
mannequin: pathological relatives
extrovert: former trovert
anti-matter: regarding your uncle’s wife
fireplace: the boss’s office
boomerang: a Hallowe’en dessert
numismatist: the former mismatist’s replacement
hot tub: a sexy overweight person
independent: a locally crafted necklace often sold at music festivals
naughty: what your granny keeps in that flask behind the bread tin
barbecue: the nod for Ken to make his move
Constantinople: the inability to abide one particular gemstone
mystical: adult entertainer who titillates patrons with her feathered boa
collar: Mother’s Day advice
foreknowledge: golfing erudition
mariner: what expectant fathers are often informed they’ll be doing next
mercantile: have Murray finish off your bathroom
pundit: well done, you wordsmith!
buzzard: was that the intercom?
booby-trap: brassiere
mushroom: kennel for sled dogs
pantyhose: lingerie models
In ancient Athens, lived a man who did not suffer fools
Who scorned the rich and powerful, disparaging their rules.
Renouncing laws and social norms from which he felt exempt
Diogenes The Cynic viewed convention with contempt.
He called an earthen jar his home, forgoing earthly goods
Promoting a philosophy which few Greeks understood:
We need not work! Food should be free!
We’ve been robbed of our liberty!
A dog needs only food and sleep
So, worry not about your keep!
Revolting, in more ways than one, he never bathed and took great fun
In mocking local passersby unlucky to have caught his eye.
Once Philip, King of Macedon, discovered what was going on
He fetched him from the marketplace to meet this heckler, face to face.
Philosopher, comedian, Diogenes first drew him in
Then seized the moment to berate the trappings of the civil state.
The king considered all he’d heard and pledged Diogenes his word
That he would try to make life fair for all his subjects everywhere.
Then Philip’s son, the Late & Great, who relished seminal debate
Next headed for the rebel’s lair to bump heads in the open air.
Soon Alexander found the spot and asked Diogenes his thoughts
On justice, kings and slavery to test his rival’s bravery.
Diogenes, quite unafraid, lamented: We have been betrayed.
The reason for our very birth is to enjoy fruits of the earth.
Young Alex, in your palaces, you drink from golden chalices
While I do nicely in this jar… am I no better than you are?
And now you claim to be divine, directly drawn from Zeus’s line
Yet, as I spy your horse nearby I fear, like you, it cannot fly.
The Great One knew he’d met his match, aware that he would never catch
A cynic who cared not for kings, nor for the folly each reign brings.
Amused, young Alex asked his host which thing in life he wished for most:
Was it a wife? Slaves of his own? Or simply to be left alone?
Reclining in the summer breeze, his eyes now closed, Diogenes
Admitted there was only one: for Alex not to block the sun.
Prince Charming’s parents, late in life
Still hoped their son would find a wife
When Cinderella then became big news.
Alas! Their hopes were dashed again
When he and all his bachelor friends
Had merely wondered where she bought her shoes.
“Thank you for calling the Bite Me Dental Clinic. How may I help you?”
“Could I make an appointment to see a dentist tomorrow?”
“Tooth hurty?”
“Hmm… anything earlier?”
Mr Ormsby At Large 