Of Cleopatra it was said
Her loves were so prolific,
Recording all their antics led
To six new hieroglyphics.
Pyramid Schemer
Prickly Heat
My love is like a red red rose…
One Scottish bard chose to propose.
My ex was like a Yucca plant
And on the yeuch, I’m adamant.
Stalk Options
My stalker’s released more nude photos of me.”
“How’s your hair in them?”
“Fabulous. I’d just had it done.”
“Let’s have a look.”
Laverne slid her phone across the table.
“You owe him one,” I agreed, swiping through a considerable collection of images. “Maybe you should get him something.”
“Like what?”
“Valentine’s Day is coming up.”
“What makes you think he’s into Valentine’s Day?”
“Call it a hunch.”
“But I wouldn’t know what to get him.”
“Does he have someone special in his life?”
“Not since he killed all the members of his church group, no.”
“Any hobbies?”
“Skulking amongst the shadows?”
“Besides that.”
“Photography, I suppose.”
“Then why not get him some lens wipes?”
“I’m sure we can do better than lens wipes,” Laverne frowned.
“Let’s keep going then… would it be fair to describe him as outdoorsy?”
“Yes! And now that I think of it, he could do with a decent winter coat,” she suddenly brightened.
“My neighbours are in a cult if you’re looking for something with a hood.”
“I’ll get back to you on that.”
“Did I mention it’s detachable?”
“It’s just… I don’t want to cause offence.”
“To someone who’s photographing you through your fence,” I felt obliged to remind her.
“I see where you’re coming from.”
“Didn’t he once write that on a CookieGram?”
“Right before I reversed over him in the driveway.”
“Putting all of that to one side, what were you doing running naked through the forest at 3am?”
“The dog had let the cat out again,” Laverne chuckled. “They’re worse than the kids, those two. I should have gotten a fish tank. Anyway, enough about me; what’s new with you?”
“I’ve decided I want to give back to society.”
“Oh, God…”
“Now, I know what you’re thinking but this time I’m serious. I’m going to make 2026 my Year of Philanthropy.”
“Well, you’re on your own then because no one’s getting any of my money,” Laverne sniffed.
“I don’t need money; what I need is a project.”
“Why not just join a gym like everyone else?”
“Because until just now I wasn’t aware that I needed to.”
“I’m just thinking back to the incident in the park.”
“That dog should have been leashed.”
“You wrestled it for a Tootsie Roll.”
“Which I’d bought.”
“Which you’d dropped.”
“In case you’ve forgotten, there’s a recession on,” I pointed out, dignity still intact.
“Okay. Forget I even mentioned it.”
“Easier said than done.”
“It doesn’t even matter because you’re nice on the inside and that’s what counts. When I was growing up there was a fat family on our street and they were really nice too.”
“I want their names. All of them.”
“Their dog was called Cupcake, I remember that much.”
“Keep going.”
“My point is, they were just like everyone else.”
“Just not worth knowing personally,” I addressed the elephant in the room.
“John, you have the rear molars of a hyena. I’ve watched you crush femurs like they were toothpicks.”
“That’s an exaggeration.”
“No, it isn’t. I’ve seen cleaner kills on Animal Planet.”
“Speaking of which, did you catch it on Monday? It was about these sharks that sleep. I think they were in Mexico. I have never, ever heard of sharks sleeping before.”
“That’s because they don’t,” I was informed.
“Sharks don’t sleep?”
“Nope.”
“Then what were these ones doing?”
“During ratings week they whack a few in the head to make them appear cute and cuddly.”
“You’re kidding, right?”
“I’m afraid not,” Laverne shook her head in dismay.
“But that’s barbaric.”
“So is seeing a camera-woman being bitten in half during a live feed. The only thing those sharks were sleeping off was a Grade 3 concussion.”
“Is that what happens on Love Island?”
“Totally different.”
“How so?”
“They’re all brain-damaged to begin with.”
“How do you know so much about concussed sharks?” I was curious.
“I wanted to be a marine biologist, but back then women couldn’t join the Marines,” Laverne sighed.
“Why not become a Navy SEAL?”
“You know I hate squid.”
Hide and Seek
My sweet, when we say love is blind
It’s simply Nature being kind
For, were our flaws known in advance
You wouldn’t get a second glance
Over, Lord
I bade my love compose an ode
To prove her heart was true,
Reciting To Him All Is Owed
She blushed the whole way through.
I bade my love prepare a feast
Befitting of her Lord,
She cooked for me the finest beast
Her dowry would afford.
I bade my love take out a boat
And clear the moat of trolls,
She took my dagger to their throats
Then fixed their heads on poles.
I bade my love tend to my aches
With liniments and oils,
She rid my skin of every flake
And lanced a string of boils.
Then comes a time when passions end
When leaves droop with the frost,
I bade my love invite her friend
That’s when she said… Get lost!
Heart Failure
My valentine suggested wine;
I bought the best champagne.
Then after making love we dined
On Chocolate Frangipane.
Why don’t we do this every night?
She cooed after our frolics.
So, now we do and that is why
We’re toothless alcoholics.
Count Me Out
February, you’re sublime
Romantic, cool and flirty
Who will admit to twenty-nine
But draws the line at thirty
Tough, Love
“I need to get into shape for spring,” Laverne announced, “so from now on, instead of taking elevators I’m going to try escalators.”
I bit my lip.
“You want to say something, don’t you?” she scrutinised me over her menu.
“And your recourse when there are no escalators… might that be stairwells?”
“Helipads.”
“Right then, what are we ordering?”
“Ham and eczema from the looks of it,” Laverne motioned towards a waitress scratching an itch with a Mastercard.
“Owen recommended the steak pie, so I might try that,” I remained undeterred.
“Do you think that’s wise?”
“A little red meat won’t kill me.”
“No, it’s not that,” Laverne leaned across the table, “I don’t know if I trust Owen anymore since he… you know…”
“… went on holiday and came back married?”
“If you can call some old hippie waving a bong over them on a beach in Ko Samui a wedding ceremony,” she rolled her eyes.
“Is his new wife Thai?”
“I wouldn’t put it past her,” Laverne tutted, looking for the sommelier.
“Well, have you asked her?”
“She probably doesn’t speak English,”
“How would you know if you haven’t even asked her?”
“How could she tell me if she doesn’t?”
“What are we having for lunch?” I gave up.
“I think I’ll have the linguine in the hope that it will be brought to me by a handsome, Tuscan waiter in need of an outrageously unwarranted tip.”
“What if he doesn’t speak English?”
“Then I’ll just have to marry him,” she smirked. “Anyway, what’s new with you?”
“My crème brûlée torch is completely out of control.”
“Are you kidding me with this?”
“I wish I were. Come dessert time, it’s now every man for himself.”
“Honestly, John, you really do need to toughen up.”
“What makes you think I’m not tough?”
“Real men are killed by antlers, not kitchenware,” Laverne sniffed.
“I’m just as tough as you,” I began to feel a tad defensive.
“Prove it,” came the challenge from across the table.
“Okay… at work, I informed Zoe that if she doesn’t start contributing her share of the milk, I’ll be kicking her out of the coffee club.”
Laverne stared at me, her eyes narrowing.
“I waterboarded my godson to prepare him for Cub Scouts.”
“Andrew?” I asked, in disbelief.
“No, the little fat one who eats all the Lego,” she explained. “Andrew, I made dig a network of tunnels beneath the neighbourhood.”
“What does it take to be a godparent?”
“Godliness,” Laverne stated, matter-of-factly.
“And exactly which god-“
“-Sekhmet.”
“I don’t stand a chance against you, do I?”
“You never did, pumpkin.”
Track Pants
Here lies Ray, who missed his train
Then chased it down the track
Until he tripped, where he remained
And met it coming back
Gross Misconduct
“I fired the receptionist today,” Laverne announced, picking up her menu.
“Who? Mildred?”
“Was that her name?”
“That sweet, old lady who’s worked there forty years?”
“It was her time.”
“That’s the same thing the vet said when Dad reversed over Thumper,” I was both shocked and appalled. “What the hell happened?”
“You know those motivational messages people put up at work: Today is the first day of the rest of your life. Be the change that you wish to see in the world… that type of thing? Well, when I walked past reception this morning I noticed that one had appeared on the wall behind her. It read: You don’t have to be crazy to work here… but it helps!”
“Don’t you think you overreacted?”
“She’d written it in her own excrement.”
“It was her time.”
“It was.”
Mr Ormsby At Large 