River Bottom

The word for hippopotamus Ain't half big as its bottom is

Face Booked

Said Narcissus' missus: No kiss is as his is...

Cleft Ballot

My thoughts on politics, if any? To spare three lines would be too many

Rhyme and Reason

The critics ask from time to time Do all your poems have to rhyme? If not the case, my esteemed friends How would I know when each one ends?

Star Spangled Boner

A lot of people ask me the difference between Canadians and Americans. Well, first the facts: our country's larger, our population's smaller, Canadian men liked wearing clogs in the '70s and we've never considered testing the viscosity of spray cheese in space a worthwhile scientific endeavour. I noticed while working abroad that colleagues soon began … Continue reading Star Spangled Boner →

Viral Spiral

I thought my life was going well until I watched TVWhere some young thing in yoga pants screamed: Get off that settee!She told me that I eat too much and ought to exerciseAnd should feel guilty every time I supersize my fries.I changed the channel just in time because I got upsetOnly to hear a … Continue reading Viral Spiral →

Ante Establishment

Randomly flicking through the TV channels I happened upon a show called ‘Child Genius’, a programme whose aim is to discover which children in Britain have never been allowed to climb a tree, drink Fanta and make friends their own age. Contestants range in age from 8 - 12 in Earth years and from what … Continue reading Ante Establishment →

Model Behaviour

“I’m being sued by the Catholic Church again,” Laverne announced, while reorganising her purse.“I have no words for that.”“How unlike you,” she mused.“Hold on, I thought you were working on a piece about the East African Lion,” I suddenly remembered.“Turns out all they do is sleep. My son can do that.”“Have you ever been to … Continue reading Model Behaviour →

Aisle Stand By You

“I feel like a Stepford Wife.” “That explains the outfit then.” “No, I’m serious. I no longer feel comfortable buying just anything, only what’s needed,” Laverne complained, as she headed down the cookie aisle. “We’re being reprogrammed to become more altruistic which I guess isn’t a bad thing.” “Toilet paper’s that way,” I pointed behind … Continue reading Aisle Stand By You →

Stalk Options

“My stalker’s released more nude photos of me.” “How’s your hair in them?” “Fabulous. I'd just had it done.” “Let's have a look.” Laverne slid her phone across the table. “You owe him one,” I agreed, swiping through a considerable collection of images. “Maybe you should get him something.” “Like what?” “Halloween's coming up.” “What … Continue reading Stalk Options →