I gave my heart to you, my love One February night Invoking all the saints above I prayed you’d hold it tight. And after we had made romance For, that’s what I still call it, You gave me such a loving glance Then made off with my wallet. The next day you were seen at lunch With someone we both know. Now, looking back, I have a hunch My best friend’s your new beau. According to my Visa bill You both then saw a play A great night out is greater still If one needs never pay. Faced with costly overruns From two hearts hewn from stone, On my part, not to be outdone I hacked into your phone. And so, my love, for us it ends As does your victory lap For, you’ve just messaged all your friends To say you’ve got the clap.
“You owe him one,” I agreed, swiping through a considerable collection of images. “Maybe you should get him something.”
“Like what?”
“Valentine’s Day is coming up.”
“What makes you think he’s into Valentine’s Day?”
“Call it a hunch.”
“But I wouldn’t know what to get him.”
“Does he have someone special in his life?”
“Not since he killed all the members of his church group, no.”
“Any hobbies?”
“Skulking amongst the shadows?”
“Besides that.”
“Photography, I suppose.”
“Then why not get him some lens wipes?”
“I’m sure we can do better than lens wipes,” Laverne frowned.
“Let’s keep going then… would it be fair to describe him as outdoorsy?”
“Yes! And now that I think of it, he could do with a decent winter coat,” she suddenly brightened.
“My neighbours are in a cult if you’re looking for something with a hood.”
“I’ll get back to you on that.”
“Did I mention it’s detachable?”
“It’s just… I don’t want to cause offence.”
“To someone who’s photographing you through your fence,” I felt obliged to remind her.
“I see where you’re coming from.”
“Didn’t he once write that on a CookieGram?”
“Right before I reversed over him in the driveway.”
“Putting all of that to one side, what were you doing running naked through the forest at 3am?”
“The dog had let the cat out again,” Laverne chuckled. “They’re worse than the kids, those two. I should have gotten a fish tank. Anyway, enough about me; what’s new with you?”
“I’ve decided I want to give back to society.”
“Oh, God…”
“Now, I know what you’re thinking but this time I’m serious. I’m going to make 2026 my Year of Philanthropy.”
“Well, you’re on your own then because no one’s getting any of my money,” Laverne sniffed.
“I don’t need money; what I need is a project.”
“Why not just join a gym like everyone else?”
“Because until just now I wasn’t aware that I needed to.”
“I’m just thinking back to the incident in the park.”
“That dog should have been leashed.”
“You wrestled it for a Tootsie Roll.”
“Which I’d bought.”
“Which you’d dropped.”
“In case you’ve forgotten, there’s a recession on,” I pointed out, dignity still intact.
“Okay. Forget I even mentioned it.”
“Easier said than done.”
“It doesn’t even matter because you’re nice on the inside and that’s what counts. When I was growing up there was a fat family on our street and they were really nice too.”
“I want their names. All of them.”
“Their dog was called Cupcake, I remember that much.”
“Keep going.”
“My point is, they were just like everyone else.”
“Just not worth knowing personally,” I addressed the elephant in the room.
“John, you have the rear molars of a hyena. I’ve watched you crush femurs like they were toothpicks.”
“That’s an exaggeration.”
“No, it isn’t. I’ve seen cleaner kills on Animal Planet.”
“Speaking of which, did you catch it on Monday? It was about these sharks that sleep. I think they were in Mexico. I have never, ever heard of sharks sleeping before.”
“That’s because they don’t,” I was informed.
“Sharks don’t sleep?”
“Nope.”
“Then what were these ones doing?”
“During ratings week they whack a few in the head to make them appear cute and cuddly.”
“You’re kidding, right?”
“I’m afraid not,” Laverne shook her head in dismay.
“But that’s barbaric.”
“So is seeing a camera-woman being bitten in half during a live feed. The only thing those sharks were sleeping off was a Grade 3 concussion.”
“Is that what happens on Love Island?”
“Totally different.”
“How so?”
“They’re all brain-damaged to begin with.”
“How do you know so much about concussed sharks?” I was curious.
“I wanted to be a marine biologist, but back then women couldn’t join the Marines,” Laverne sighed.
“I fired the receptionist today,” Laverne announced, picking up her menu.
“Who? Mildred?”
“Was that her name?”
“That sweet, old lady who’s worked there forty years?”
“It was her time.”
“That’s the same thing the vet said when Dad reversed over Thumper,” I was both shocked and appalled. “What the hell happened?”
“You know those motivational messages people put up at work: Today is the first day of the rest of your life. Be the change that you wish to see in the world… that type of thing? Well, when I walked past reception this morning I noticed that one had appeared on the wall behind her. It read: You don’t have to be crazy to work here… but it helps!”
While William and Kate keep tabs on what Meghan and Harry might do next, Princess Anne continues to lurk among the shadows. An examination of this royal princess isn’t for the squeamish, for while it’s true she is indeed very hard working, the same can be said of fire ants. For her Duke of Edinburgh Award, it’s rumoured a young Anne commissioned a wind-up doll capable of neutralising any lady-in-waiting who approached her without curtseying. Brooding and aloof as a teenager, an awkward Anne had clung to the fact that she remained the only princess in a stable of princes.
That is, until Diana appeared on the scene, which added up to one princess too many.
Dispatching her sister-in-law abroad in a stroke of genius, Anne next fixed her sights upon the latest interloper: Kate Middleton, Princess of Wales. Rumour has it that during Kate’s initial stay at Kensington Palace, Anne presented her with a Princess Diana doll sans tête. Examining it thoughtfully, if not warily, the young Kate made a mental note of her nearest exit.
“She was pretty like you,” Princess Anne remarked, “but she’s not pretty now… I’m the pretty princess now.”
“Isn’t she missing something?” Kate asked, pointedly.
“My bad,” Anne smirked, crushing her can of Pilsner and flicking it at her. “There’s the car.”
In the spirit of the season, I drove an elderly neighbour to mass after claiming to need a lift due to the icy weather. About a mile from where we live, the Church of St Mary Magdalene (didn’t get that memo) is a Catholic landmark conspicuously situated between the Women’s Health Centre and Darth Vaper’s E-Cig Emporium. As we pulled up to the entrance, Mrs Malarkey gently enquired, “Aren’t you coming in? You can send a church calendar home to your mother.”
The old clam had me. At 85, she didn’t miss a trick and knew I hadn’t been to mass since my parents’ last visit.
“Of course,” I stated coolly, looking her straight in the eye. “It’s Christmas, isn’t it? Now, are you going to be alright managing those steps while I park the car?”
“I’ll just wait for you here,” she parried, then thrust, “and it’s not Christmas. It’s only the Fourth Sunday of Advent.”
Entering the church brought back a load of memories. I’d been an altar boy right through high school and was much more sanguine about the role the Church might play in later life. Uncompromising and unafraid to challenge the moral turpitude swirling all about me, from an early age I had developed a low tolerance to riff raff. After all, I’d been named after Pope John XXIII and unlike a lot of 12 year olds, had written my own Encyclical:
When you overhear your parents choosing your high school, ask them to aim higher than one simply called St Richard’s or St Agatha’s, guiding them instead towards spiritual heavyweights like Our Lady of the Blessed Annunciation or St Anthony and the Holy Infant. This will disarm any cynics questioning the fact your parents stopped attending mass years ago.
When adults catch the name of your school across your hockey jacket and ask what a Blessed Annunciation is, let out an audible sigh and look upon their children with pity. As you walk away rolling your eyes, ponder the fact that they can read at all.
Wonder why all the nuns at school have names beginning with Mary and ending with a male name, such as Sister Mary Edward. Believe your older sister when she tells you they all used to be men, until God changed them into nuns as punishment for a crime only the Pope knows about.
Think it a shame that priests can only wear black because it shows up dandruff and means they can never shop at The Gap in summer.
When a pretty, young nun starts teaching at your school, tell your mother that if you were older and she lived next door, you’d marry her.
When a cool, young priest starts teaching at your school, agree with your friends that if he grew his hair longer and learned how to play the electric guitar, he’d be the most famous priest ever.
When your father informs you that he saw your parish priest swimming lengths at his health club, ask yourself if priests are permitted such indulgences, then check to make sure his bathing suit was black.
When your teacher warns that thinking impure thoughts during mass will get you an extra year in purgatory, decide it’s worth it.
Ask your RE teacher if Eve looked like the woman in the Timotei shampoo commercial.
Double-check if Jonah crawled out of the whale’s spout or was simply pooped out.
Ask if, after turning water into wine at the wedding in Canaan, Jesus then made chocolate milk for the children.
Ask your parents a million times if you can go to midnight mass this year because you’re now an adult. Reassure them that you no longer believe in Santa, elves and reindeer, explaining that you only wish to fulfill a religious obligation. Don’t tell them your older sister reliably informed you that this is the mass at which God appears.
Tell all your friends you were allowed to go to midnight mass. When you’re sure none of them attended the service, lower your voice and inform them that God appeared. When they inevitably ask you what He looked like, whisper that you’re not allowed to tell.
Turn to your Dad during midnight mass and insist you just heard sleigh bells outside. When he chides you, wonder how he can seriously expect an 8 year old to think about God and not presents on Christmas Eve. Hope that Rudolph drops a big, steamy one on his Ford Bronco.
Point out your neighbours during mass and say aloud, “Hey, Mom… you’re right! The Espositos only DO go to mass at Christmas and Easter!” Then report back each time the whole family sits down when they’re supposed to kneel.
Turned on the radio to discover the media have named today Panic Saturday. Spotting an opportunity, I asked a friend recently diagnosed with acute anxiety if she would like to accompany me into town in the hope we might qualify for free parking. Thirty minutes later, Cynthia and I were pulling into a disabled parking bay directly opposite The Booze Bucket, her Prozac prescription clearly displayed on the dashboard next to a large crucifix. Experiencing the same rush as when I find any amount of money, I smirked across at my twitchy accomplice while ratcheting up the handbrake, confident our plan would work. So, you can imagine our surprise when, upon our return a mere nine hours later, we found a £70 ticket with a brusque rebuttal: Acute Anxiety? You’ll have to do better than that… issued by an equally dissociative traffic warden.
Now Cynthia can’t watch Top Gear and refuses to leave the house without her Dusty Springfield wig, so it’s no surprise so many folk hate the holidays.
Mr Ormsby At Large 