Same Difference

In this age of doublespeak, I’ve come up with alternative definitions for the following:

burger: what tigers say when they’re cold

understandable: what a bull whisperer is paid to do

dresser: a personal valet’s job

earring: tinnitus

tumour: ordering another round for you and a mate

former: ordering a round of doubles for you and a mate

forests: bracelets

tracking: Usain Bolt

parking: Tiger Woods

blinking: Kanye West

bonking: Hugh Hefner

mismanagement: the green Tic Tac

permits: gloves for stroking cats

whisky: very much like a whisk

fetish: not unlike a fet

sofa: up until now

mastered: everyone taking a dump at the same time

Hebrew: Jewish beer

ornate: have you considered Nate?

window: what gamblers hope to do

papal: directions for using a slot machine

president: the resulting damage when a gift is dropped

icon: a mirage

painting: what you see a doctor for in Jamaica

terrier: more like Terry than Terry

school: fine by me

Romania: the latest rowing craze

Slovak: Vak with a low IQ

Budapest: Siddhartha Gautama’s interminable chanting

miming: in reply to the question Which of your vases do you treasure most?

presume: before the jet engine

confound: the capture of an escaped criminal

subdued: a cool underwater mariner

analogue: proctologist’s casebook

duplicity: New York, New York

catholic: someone with an abnormal dependence on cats

popsicle: father’s scythe

abundance: twerking

distant: an ant who’s been scorned by his peers

tantric: skin bronzer

carnation: the USA

statutory: a bust of a Conservative politician

psychopath: a trail for the insane

francophone: telecommunication handset for Spanish generals

bisect: a niche cult for those who swing both ways

comradeship: Potemkin

mango: “I believe the gentleman’s leaving.”

sarcasm: the existential void between Nikolai II and his people

oxymoron: air-head

sensible: have Cybill go

freedom: what Lincoln did

mannequin: psychotic relatives

extrovert: former trovert

anti-matter: regarding your uncle’s wife

fireplace: HR office

boomerang: a Hallowe’en dessert

numismatist: the former mismatist’s replacement

hot tub: a sexy overweight person