In this age of doublespeak, I’ve come up with alternative definitions for the following:
burger: what a tiger says when it’s cold
understandable: what a bull whisperer is paid to do
dresser: a personal valet’s job
earring: tinnitus
tumour: ordering another round for you and a mate
former: ordering a round of doubles for you and a mate
forests: bracelets
tracking: Usain Bolt
parking: Tiger Woods
blinking: Kanye West
bonking: Hugh Hefner
mismanagement: the yellow Tic Tac
permits: gloves for stroking your cat
whisky: very much like a whisk
fetish: not unlike a fet
sofa: up until now
mastered: everyone taking a dump at the same time
Hebrew: Jewish beer
ornate: have you considered Nate?
window: what gamblers hope to do
papal: directions for using a slot machine
president: the resulting damage when a gift is dropped
icon: mirage
painting: what you see a doctor for in Jamaica
terrier: more like Terry than Terry
school: fine by me
Romania: the latest rowing craze
Slovak: Vak with a low IQ
Budapest: Siddhartha Gautama’s interminable chanting
miming: in reply to Which of your vases do you treasure most?
presume: before the jet engine
confound: the recapture of an escaped convict
subdued: cool underwater mariner
analogue: proctologist’s casebook
duplicity: New York, New York
catholic: person with an abnormal dependence on cats
popsicle: father’s scythe
abundance: twerking
distant: scorned sister of your father
tantric: skin bronzer
carnation: USA
statutory: bust of Winston Churchill
psychopath: trail for the insane
francophone: telecommunication handset for Spanish generals
bisect: niche cult for those who swing both ways
comradeship: Potemkin
mango: “I believe the gentleman’s leaving”
sarcasm: existential void that existed between Nikolai II and his people
oxymoron: air-head
sensible: have Cybill go
freedom: what Lincoln did
mannequin: psychotic relatives
extrovert: former trovert
anti-matter: regarding your uncle’s wife
fireplace: the boss’s office
boomerang: a Hallowe’en dessert
numismatist: the former mismatist’s replacement
hot tub: a sexy overweight person
independent: a locally crafted necklace often sold at music festivals
mariner: what a hillbilly will be doing once the farmer learns his daughter’s expecting
naughty: what your grandmother keeps in the flask hidden beneath her knitting
barbecue: the nod for Ken to make his move
Constantinople: the inability to abide a certain colourful gemstone
Mr Ormsby At Large 