In this age of doublespeak, I’ve come up with alternative definitions for the following:

burger: what a tiger says when it’s cold

understandable: what a bull whisperer is paid to do

dresser: a personal valet’s job

earring: tinnitus

tumour: ordering another round for you and a mate

former: ordering a round of doubles for you and a mate

forests: bracelets

tracking: Usain Bolt

parking: Tiger Woods

blinking: Kanye West

bonking: Hugh Hefner

mismanagement: the yellow Tic Tac

permits: gloves for stroking your cat

whisky: very much like a whisk

fetish: not unlike a fet

sofa: up until now

mastered: everyone taking a dump at the same time

Hebrew: Jewish beer

ornate: have you considered Nate?

window: what gamblers hope to do

papal: directions for using a slot machine

president: the resulting damage when a gift is dropped

icon: mirage

painting: what you see a doctor for in Jamaica

terrier: more like Terry than Terry

school: fine by me

Romania: the latest rowing craze

Slovak: Vak with a low IQ

Budapest: Siddhartha Gautama’s interminable chanting

miming: in reply to Which of your vases do you treasure most?

presume: before the jet engine

confound: the recapture of an escaped convict

subdued: cool underwater mariner

analogue: proctologist’s casebook

duplicity: New York, New York

catholic: person with an abnormal dependence on cats

popsicle: father’s scythe

abundance: twerking

distant: scorned sister of your father

tantric: skin bronzer

carnation: USA

statutory: bust of Winston Churchill

psychopath: trail for the insane

francophone: telecommunication handset for Spanish generals

bisect: niche cult for those who swing both ways

comradeship: Potemkin

mango: “I believe the gentleman’s leaving”

sarcasm: existential void that existed between Nikolai II and his people

oxymoron: air-head

sensible: have Cybill go

freedom: what Lincoln did

mannequin: psychotic relatives

extrovert: former trovert

anti-matter: regarding your uncle’s wife

fireplace: the boss’s office

boomerang: a Hallowe’en dessert

numismatist: the former mismatist’s replacement

hot tub: a sexy overweight person

independent: a locally crafted necklace often sold at music festivals

mariner: what a hillbilly will be doing once the farmer learns his daughter’s expecting

naughty: what your grandmother keeps in the flask hidden beneath her knitting

barbecue: the nod for Ken to make his move

Constantinople: the inability to abide a certain colourful gemstone