My love is like a red red rose…
One Scottish bard chose to propose.
My ex was like a Yucca plant
And on the yeuch, I’m adamant.
Category: wordplay
Hide and Seek
My sweet, when we say love is blind
It’s simply Nature being kind
For, were our flaws known in advance
You wouldn’t get a second glance
Count Me Out
February, you’re sublime
Romantic, cool and flirty
Who will admit to twenty-nine
But draws the line at thirty
Tough, Love
“I need to get into shape for spring,” Laverne announced, “so from now on, instead of taking elevators I’m going to try escalators.”
I bit my lip.
“You want to say something, don’t you?” she scrutinised me over her menu.
“And your recourse when there are no escalators… might that be stairwells?”
“Helipads.”
“Right then, what are we ordering?”
“Ham and eczema from the looks of it,” Laverne motioned towards a waitress scratching an itch with a Mastercard.
“Owen recommended the steak pie, so I might try that,” I remained undeterred.
“Do you think that’s wise?”
“A little red meat won’t kill me.”
“No, it’s not that,” Laverne leaned across the table, “I don’t know if I trust Owen anymore since he… you know…”
“… went on holiday and came back married?”
“If you can call some old hippie waving a bong over them on a beach in Ko Samui a wedding ceremony,” she rolled her eyes.
“Is his new wife Thai?”
“I wouldn’t put it past her,” Laverne tutted, looking for the sommelier.
“Well, have you asked her?”
“She probably doesn’t speak English,”
“How would you know if you haven’t even asked her?”
“How could she tell me if she doesn’t?”
“What are we having for lunch?” I gave up.
“I think I’ll have the linguine in the hope that it will be brought to me by a handsome, Tuscan waiter in need of an outrageously unwarranted tip.”
“What if he doesn’t speak English?”
“Then I’ll just have to marry him,” she smirked. “Anyway, what’s new with you?”
“My crème brûlée torch is completely out of control.”
“Are you kidding me with this?”
“I wish I were. Come dessert time, it’s now every man for himself.”
“Honestly, John, you really do need to toughen up.”
“What makes you think I’m not tough?”
“Real men are killed by antlers, not kitchenware,” Laverne sniffed.
“I’m just as tough as you,” I began to feel a tad defensive.
“Prove it,” came the challenge from across the table.
“Okay… at work, I informed Zoe that if she doesn’t start contributing her share of the milk, I’ll be kicking her out of the coffee club.”
Laverne stared at me, her eyes narrowing.
“I waterboarded my godson to prepare him for Cub Scouts.”
“Andrew?” I asked, in disbelief.
“No, the little fat one who eats all the Lego,” she explained. “Andrew, I made dig a network of tunnels beneath the neighbourhood.”
“What does it take to be a godparent?”
“Godliness,” Laverne stated, matter-of-factly.
“And exactly which god-“
“-Sekhmet.”
“I don’t stand a chance against you, do I?”
“You never did, pumpkin.”
Track Pants
Here lies Ray, who missed his train
Then chased it down the track
Until he tripped, where he remained
And met it coming back
Ink-Credible
Octopuses? Octopi?
These creatures surely wonder why
Our single brains stray down such roads
While nine tell them they’re octopodes
Same Difference
In this age of doublespeak, I’ve come up with alternative definitions for the following:
burger: what a tiger says when it’s cold outside
understandable: what a matador hopes to do
dresser: a personal valet’s job
earring: tinnitus
tumour: ordering another round for you and a mate
former: ordering a round of doubles for you and a mate
forests: bracelets
tracking: Usain Bolt
parking: Tiger Woods
blinking: Kanye West
bonking: Hugh Hefner
mismanagement: the yellow Tic Tac
permits: gloves for stroking your cat
whisky: very much like a whisk
fetish: not unlike a fet
sofa: up until now
mastered: everyone taking a dump at the same time
Hebrew: Jewish beer
Catholic: someone with an abnormal dependence upon cats
Muslim: what the law requires of dog owners
ornate: have you considered Nate?
window: what gamblers hope to do
papal: directions for using a slot machine
president: the resulting damage when a gift is dropped
icon: mirage
painting: what you see a doctor for in Jamaica
terrier: more like Terry than Terry
school: fine by me
Romania: the latest rowing craze
Slovak: Vak with a low IQ
Budapest: Siddhartha Gautama’s interminable chanting
miming: in reply to Which of your vases do you treasure most?
presume: before the jet engine
confound: the recapturing of an escaped convict
subdued: underwater mariner
analogue: proctologist’s casebook
duplicity: New York, New York
popsicle: father’s scythe
abundance: twerking
distant: a scorned sister of your father
tantric: skin bronzer
carnation: USA
statutory: a bust of Winston Churchill
psychopath: a trail for the insane
francophone: telecommunication handset for Spanish generals
bisect: niche cult for those who swing both ways
comradeship: the Potemkin
mango: “I believe the gentleman’s leaving”
sarcasm: existential void that existed between Nikolai II and his people
oxymoron: air-head
sensible: have Cybill go
freedom: what Lincoln did
mannequin: pathological relatives
extrovert: former trovert
anti-matter: regarding your uncle’s wife
fireplace: the boss’s office
boomerang: a Hallowe’en dessert
numismatist: the former mismatist’s replacement
hot tub: a sexy overweight person
independent: a locally crafted necklace often sold at music festivals
naughty: what your granny keeps in that flask behind the bread tin
barbecue: the nod for Ken to make his move
Constantinople: the inability to abide one particular gemstone
mystical: adult entertainer who titillates patrons with her feathered boa
collar: Mother’s Day advice
foreknowledge: golfing erudition
mariner: what expectant fathers are often informed they’ll be doing next
mercantile: have Murray finish off your bathroom
pundit: well done, you wordsmith!
buzzard: was that the intercom?
booby-trap: brassiere
mushroom: kennel for sled dogs
pantyhose: lingerie models
Big Bang Theory
Greeks thought onomatopoeia
Sounded like a great idea
Causing pedagogues to yell it
Until it came time to spell it
Taking The Pith
A rhyme for orange
The poet battles somewhat.
Hopes fade, or hinge,
When next faced with a kumquat.
Waist Not Want Knot
To see why we wear belts with pants
Just trail behind some elephants
Mr Ormsby At Large 