I thought my life was going well until I watched TV Where some young thing in yoga pants screamed: Get off that settee! She told me that I eat too much and ought to exercise And should feel guilty every time I supersize my fries. I changed the channel just in time because I got upset Only to hear a psychic say he talks to my dead pet I simply had to call him up and he’d unleash his power Connecting me with Fido for just fifty bucks an hour. Another channel change heard women speak of me with scorn Declaring we’d be better off if no more boys were born Apparently we’re toxic and we break a lot of hearts I think these women, if they could, would cut off all my parts. A cooking show chastised me for my love of microwaves Ignoring their convenience and the time this gadget saves I’m now to slow-cook every meal and simmer under lids So suppertime’s now midnight – explain that one to the kids. I’m also nowhere green enough because I still eat meat Instead of chewing watercress whilst farming in bare feet They warn our homes are killing us – we shouldn’t live indoors Though living off-grid didn’t really help the dinosaurs. Global warming, rising crime and famine ‘round the globe Because I don’t like rainbows I’ve been called a homophobe I won’t be blamed for everything the media imparts I only turned on Channel 4 to watch a bit of darts.
I gave my heart to you, my love One February night Invoking all that’s up above I prayed you’d hold it tight. And after we had made romance (for that’s what I still call it) You rose and gave a loving glance Then made off with my wallet. The next day you were seen at lunch With someone I don’t know But looking back, I have a hunch It was with your new beau. I hope the roasted Cornish hen And champagne went down well Before they came right up again And cleared the whole hotel. According to my Visa bill You both then saw a play A great night out is greater still When you don’t have to pay. Despite the slight cost overrun At least I’m not alone For in your haste to kiss and run You left behind your phone. And so, my love, for us it ends As does your victory lap For you’ve just texted all your friends To say you’ve got the clap.