Gross Misconduct

“I fired the receptionist today,” Laverne announced, picking up her menu.

“Who? Mildred?”

“Was that her name?”

“That sweet, old lady who’s worked there forty years?”

“It was her time.”

“That’s the same thing the vet said when Dad reversed over Thumper,” I was both shocked and appalled. “What the hell happened?”

“You know those motivational messages people put up at work: Today is the first day of the rest of your life. Be the change that you wish to see in the world… that type of thing? Well, when I walked past reception this morning I noticed that one had appeared on the wall behind her. It read: You don’t have to be crazy to work here… but it helps!”

“Don’t you think you overreacted?”

“She’d written it in her own excrement.”

“It was her time.”

“It was.”

Alpha Mail

The moment I turn down your street
There’s no one that I wish to meet
So step aside or feel my wrath
‘Cause I’m a walking psychopath.
I don’t care how you feel today
If so-and-so has moved away
Or that you think your neighbour’s gay
Because he took up macramé.
I’ll knock your pots then slam the gate
And feed that dog of yours I hate
A Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup
To make the ugly mutt shut up.
As for your kid, if he’s on hand
And asks me for a rubber band
He’ll get one right between the eyes
Then several more until he cries.
And what’s the deal with Amazon?
Do you buy for the Pentagon?
Is it too much to take a bus
And shop just like the rest of us?
Just one more thing: if you complain
You won’t hear from your gran again;
When we hear something we don’t like
My friends and me, that’s when we strike.

Because I’m not like most men
For, I’m your local postman.