light verse and much, much worse
If you’re flat broke it’s said you’ve got
A fair amount of diddly-squat
And maybe more because this means
You also own a hill of beans
Which may forestall the need to beg
When added to your great goose egg
Combined with zero, zip and zilch
With all of this why would one filch?
Because if you give it more thought…
When you’ve got nought, it’s quite a lot
The day I want to bake some bread
You’ll be the first to know
Were you confused that time I said
I need to make more dough?
And should I wish to buy a goat
Around the holidays
Feel free to name it but take note
I’d like it honey-glazed.
A scented candle lets me know
Exactly what you think
You’re hoping when it’s all aglow
At last, my house won’t stink.
That weird liqueur with toads inside
Distilled by monks in France
Soon made me wish that I had died
Then made me shit my pants.
The Cookie Monster sweater seemed
To spread more disarray
On seeing it, the baby screamed
And both cats ran away.
Gym memberships address excess
With weights or on a mat
Do you think I need to de-stress
Or is it that I’m fat?
It’s not the gift, John, it’s the thought
While this, no doubt, is right
It’s what they’ve thought, not what they’ve bought
Which keeps me up at night.
The difference between cats and dogs?
Hold each in an embrace
Your dog will share a loving nod
A cat will scratch your face
The female spider dines alone
For reasons chilling to the bone
Perhaps more dates would turn out right
If she could curb her appetite
The great white’s famous for its size
So when you see its dorsal
It shouldn’t come as a surprise
You may be its next morsel.
Don’t try to swim or duck and dive
From Carcharodon carcharias
It views each move to stay alive
As utterly hilarious.
But be aware some do swim by
For quite another reason…
So, hope you never catch its eye
During the mating season.
The moment I turn down your street
There’s no one that I wish to meet
So step aside or feel my wrath
‘Cause I’m a walking psychopath.
I don’t care how you feel today
If so-and-so has moved away
Or that you think your neighbour’s gay
Because he took up macramé.
I’ll knock your pots then slam the gate
And feed that dog of yours I hate
A Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup
To make the ugly mutt shut up.
As for your kid, if he’s on hand
And asks me for a rubber band
He’ll get one right between the eyes
Then several more until he cries.
And what’s the deal with Amazon?
Do you buy for the Pentagon?
Is it too much to take a bus
And shop just like the rest of us?
Just one more thing: if you complain
You won’t hear from your gran again;
When we hear something we don’t like
My friends and me, that’s when we strike.
Because I’m not like most men
For, I’m your local postman.
Flamingos dine while upside down
Which sometimes makes me think:
How is it that they never drown
Each time they take a drink?
When greeting guests in Tokyo
The custom is to bow down low
While in Tibet both old and young
Say hi by sticking out their tongue.
In France it’s chic to peck the cheek
And friends will clap in Mozambique
Though Greenlanders will sniff your face
Before they help you with your case.
Most Eskimos rub nose to nose
In India they touch your toes
And Zambians will squeeze the thumbs
Of visitors considered chums.
Through handshakes, winks and nods we say:
I’m pleased that you dropped by today!
And bless those friends who always know
The sign for when it’s time to go…
When canny cannibals suggest
You call round as a dinner guest
You’re right to feel suspicious
They’re hoping you’re delicious
And if the book next to the pan
Is How To Serve Your Fellow Man
It’s time to quit the venue
‘Cause guess who’s on the menu?
Bananas look like boomerangs
But if you’re tempted, call a halt
For, if you don’t quite get the hang
A cop will charge you with assault
Mr Ormsby At Large 