“I’ve gone into hiding.” “We’re in Pizza Hut.” “That’s what you think,” Laverne lowered her voice. “Look around… what do you see?” “Happy fat people.” “All of them?” “All the ones eating pizza,” I was able to confirm. “What about him on his own over at the salad bar? What’s his story?” “That’s a woman.” … Continue reading Local Weirdough
When canny cannibals suggest You call round as a dinner guest You're right to feel suspicious They're hoping you're delicious And if the book next to the pan Is How To Serve Your Fellow Man It's time to quit the venue Because you're on the menu
The day before The Night BeforeThe office turned into a storeWith gifts galore from Santa’s stockAt lunchtime, right on one o’clock A furtive glance across the roomAs someone tried to wrap perfumeA figure hunched behind a fern(the new girl had a lot to learn) A friend will cough to help a mateDisguise the sound of … Continue reading Secret Santa
Our friend, the snail, needs never pack For all it owns is on its back It heads out on the open road Quite unencumbered by its load Snails never need to book hotels Instead they curl up in their shells Emerging when they feel the need To partake in an evening feed We mock the … Continue reading Less Cargo
I have a dog whose name is Spark Who sometimes takes me to the park Where we enjoy an evening stroll I feed the ducks; he’s on patrol. An old pro, Spark knows all the tricks From playing dead to fetching sticks His latest one involves a scheme Which bags him loads of free ice … Continue reading Game of Cones
When dining out we’re well aware Our manners are on view We open doors like Fred Astaire Insisting... After you! Which silverware to use and when And how to hold a glass While tackling pommes parisienne Delineate one’s class. But not so in the cinema The difference is stark Because it’s hard to be bourgeois … Continue reading Creature Feature
Ever eaten whole grain bread And sworn you'd chewed on bark instead?
If everything God made is good From right back to the start Why is it certain types of food Would make an angel fart?