The push is on to get to Mars
Because down here we’ve blown it
I’m just not sure if Mars is ours
For who’s to say we own it?
Maybe its own inhabitants
Will greet us when we cruise in
In tiny, shiny disco pants
And shout We’re all called Susan!
We’ll tell them all about the Earth
Its sky, its seas, the land
How right from birth we know the worth
Of taking someone’s hand
Of running jumps into a lake
To beat the summer heat
And hopes that Grandma’s gonna bake
Our favourite thing to eat
The satisfaction we derive
From finding the right gift
And pulling over when we drive
To give a friend a lift
Why monkeys make us laugh out loud
While spiders make us shriek
How lovers can tune out a crowd
When dancing cheek to cheek.
Of course, they’ll think us all absurd
Forsaking paradise
But why come here? Haven’t you heard?
We’ve only rocks and ice!
Dumbfounded we would roam so far
They’ll note down in their book:
Good Lord, these Earthlings really are as stupid as they look…
Mind The Gap
Ever go upstairs and not remember why you did?
Or take the groceries out the car but then forget the kid?
Ever open up the fridge and find the teapot in it?
Forget to play the lottery then curse when others win it?
Lose your keys? Kill the grass? Return home to check the gas?
Fail to find your car though it’s right next to where you are
So then you verbally abuse it while more shoppers watch you lose it
Now if you were on the booze it might excuse it…
(let’s defuse it)
Scientists would say your frontal lobe is disengaged.
You won’t remember that, so write this down: you’re middle-aged
Against the Grain
Ever eaten whole grain bread
And sworn you’d chewed on bark instead?
Ready To Chuck It All In
Today the Queen turned ninety-four
Her subjects wish her many more
Except the heir, on bended knee
Who’d hoped she’d go at ninety-three
Soup For One
I don’t remember what I wore
Or who sat next to me
I don’t remember who cried more
And who came just to see
I don’t remember hymns they played
The readings that were read
Or why he paused before he said
That you weren’t really dead
I just remember how you looked
When you slept next to me
The Sunday dinners that you cooked
And how you sipped your tea
Those corny jokes you always told
Which rarely made me laugh
How next to you I looked so old
In every photograph
I don’t remember telling you
To leave me all alone
I don’t remember telling you
I’d be fine on my own
I don’t remember
Bushwhacked
We have a hedge – when I say we
I’m merely being neighbourly
Which separates us from next door
We’re Number Two, they’re Number Four.
The hedge is green and not too tall
And forms a living, breathing wall
Which houses hedgehogs, snails and toads
Who are no match for busy roads.
The problem is, our neighbour’s plans
Involve a wall where our hedge stands
Three times its height and twice as thick
He’s done all the arithmetic.
Just think how private it will be!
I won’t see you, you won’t see me!
To me, this sentiment offends
Because I’d thought of us as friends.
His plan to rip the whole hedge out
This ‘eyesore’ he could do without
We thought he had it all in hand
Until we learned it’s on our land.
So now he doesn’t speak to me
Which happens when folks disagree
Their house is also up for sale
A sorry ending to this tale.
As for our hedge, it’s still intact
And here’s an interesting fact:
He’ll get his wish without a wall
For soon we won’t see him at all…
Hue and Cry
On the news they warn: the city’s now a combat zone
Turned off the TV and went outside to be alone
Some I know are marching, mostly peaceful, others not
Strangers now are asking me if I’m a patriot
Sitting in my garden, how I love the peace and quiet
I’ll fight for a cause but I’m not brave enough to riot
Everyone has history, the grievance lists are long
Who gets to decide whose version’s right and whose is wrong?
Our multi-coloured tapestry is starting to unweave
Can we not live together? Were we just being naive?
I come into my garden for the colours and the light
A joy I’d miss if flowers only came in black and white.
Creature Feature
When dining out we’re well aware
Our manners are on view
We open doors like Fred Astaire
Insisting… After you!
Which silverware to use and when
And how to hold a glass
While tackling pommes parisienne
Delineate one’s class.
But not so in the cinema
The difference is stark
Because it’s hard to be bourgeois
And crack nuts in the dark.
The lighting’s low so patrons know
When they’re not being watched
It’s fine to eat an Oreo
Retrieved from off your crotch.
You eat out of a bucket
Like a hog out of a pail
And when you’re done, you chuck it
Like a Molotov cocktail.
Wonder what life’s like inside
A real safari park?
Round up loads of humans
And then feed them in the dark.
Pointe Taken
Ballerinas stand on toes
To dazzle us with twirls
So, here’s the question I would pose:
Why not hire taller girls?
Nauti Buoys
While sailors open drums of rum
To swig below the decks
Indulgent captains who succumb
Are often found in wrecks
Mr Ormsby At Large 