Same Difference

In this age of doublespeak, I've come up with alternative definitions for the following: (this will be added to on a regular basis) burger: what tigers say when they're cold understandable: what a bull whisperer is paid to do dresser: the valet's job earring: tinnitus tumour: ordering another round for you and a mate former: … Continue reading Same Difference

Don’t Stand So Close To Me

The new teacher entered the classroom and took her seat, greeting no one. Perpetua Tightwaters was having a bad day but her usual, composed self made it impossible for the students to tell because she held only one expression in her armoury: disapproval. A fierce-looking woman with grey-blue eyes which devoured their prey whole, she … Continue reading Don’t Stand So Close To Me

Bad Hare Day

Every evening after dinner my dogs take me for a walk. On the way to the park we drop in on certain elderly neighbours who are always pleased to see Gizmo and Spark, having had dogs of their own in younger days. One neighbour in particular, Old Ed, is especially fond of Gizmo who himself … Continue reading Bad Hare Day

Lockdown Knockdown

"Why are you in school?" "What do you mean? "I mean: Why are you in school? I'm in school because my parents are Key Workers." "Mine are as well." "My father's a Member of Parliament and my mother's a doctor. What do yours do again?" "My dad stacks shelves at ASDA and my mom works … Continue reading Lockdown Knockdown

Aisle Stand By You

“I feel like a Stepford Wife.” “That explains the outfit then.” “No, I’m serious. I no longer feel comfortable buying just anything, only what’s needed,” Laverne made her way down the cookie aisle. “We’re being reprogrammed to become more altruistic which I guess isn’t a bad thing.” “Toilet paper’s that way,” I pointed behind her. … Continue reading Aisle Stand By You

Thank Queue

“I’m watching you,” the voice said down the phone.“Where are you?” I asked, pulling into the car park.“Drive straight on until you see a yellow Smart Car. I’m just past it on the right.”“Did you say yellow Smart Car?”“I know, don’t even...”“Who in their right mind drives around in a yellow Smart Car?”“Banana Man.”“Who’s Banana … Continue reading Thank Queue