In this age of doublespeak, I’ve come up with alternative definitions for the following:

burger: what a tiger says when it’s cold outside

understandable: what a matador hopes to do

dresser: a personal valet’s job

earring: tinnitus

tumour: ordering another round for you and a mate

former: ordering a round of doubles for you and a mate

forests: bracelets

tracking: Usain Bolt

parking: Tiger Woods

blinking: Kanye West

bonking: Hugh Hefner

mismanagement: the yellow Tic Tac

permits: gloves for stroking your cat

whisky: very much like a whisk

fetish: not unlike a fet

sofa: up until now

mastered: everyone taking a dump at the same time

Hebrew: Jewish beer

Catholic: someone with an abnormal dependence upon cats

Muslim: what the law requires of dog owners

ornate: have you considered Nate?

window: what gamblers hope to do

papal: directions for using a slot machine

president: the resulting damage when a gift is dropped

icon: mirage

painting: what you see a doctor for in Jamaica

terrier: more like Terry than Terry

school: fine by me

Romania: the latest rowing craze

Slovak: Vak with a low IQ

Budapest: Siddhartha Gautama’s interminable chanting

miming: in reply to Which of your vases do you treasure most?

presume: before the jet engine

confound: the recapturing of an escaped convict

subdued: underwater mariner

analogue: proctologist’s casebook

duplicity: New York, New York

popsicle: father’s scythe

abundance: twerking

distant: a scorned sister of your father

tantric: skin bronzer

carnation: USA

statutory: a bust of Winston Churchill

psychopath: a trail for the insane

francophone: telecommunication handset for Spanish generals

bisect: niche cult for those who swing both ways

comradeship: the Potemkin

mango: “I believe the gentleman’s leaving”

sarcasm: existential void that existed between Nikolai II and his people

oxymoron: air-head

sensible: have Cybill go

freedom: what Lincoln did

mannequin: pathological relatives

extrovert: former trovert

anti-matter: regarding your uncle’s wife

fireplace: the boss’s office

boomerang: a Hallowe’en dessert

numismatist: the former mismatist’s replacement

hot tub: a sexy overweight person

independent: a locally crafted necklace often sold at music festivals

naughty: what your granny keeps in that flask behind the bread tin

barbecue: the nod for Ken to make his move

Constantinople: the inability to abide one particular gemstone

mystical: adult entertainer who titillates patrons with her feathered boa

collar: Mother’s Day advice

foreknowledge: golfing erudition

mariner: what expectant fathers are often informed they’ll be doing next

mercantile: have Murray finish off your bathroom

pundit: well done, you wordsmith!

buzzard: was that the intercom?

booby-trap: brassiere

mushroom: kennel for sled dogs

pantyhose: lingerie models