Inauguration Day
20/01/25: Today during school assembly we watched Donald Trump become President. Our regular teacher, Sky, was off after catching her thumb ring in a cement mixer while building a panic room over the weekend, so instead we had Mr Wildman, the Principal, who drives a Jeep Cherokee. When I asked if President Trump could come visit our school, the new Art teacher fainted. There must be a January virus making the rounds.
Spin Doctor
21/01/25: Today we celebrated Dr Martin Luther King Jr Day a day late because of President Trump’s inauguration. Sky wrote something called a haiku – a poem you don’t have to finish – about Dr King’s life, which we performed: Jing Mei played Abraham Lincoln but messed up her lines and ended up freeing the Atlanta Braves; Shameka asked to play Eli Whitney, then caught her hair extensions in the cotton gin; Rajesh was asked if he would like to be a cotton gin since he’s in a wheelchair anyway; Vladimir was JFK and Maureen O’Connor played Dr King. The rest of the girls played slaves and all the boys were Nazis. When Diego Martinez asked why he couldn’t play Dr King instead of Maureen, Sky turned him into an exploited migrant worker. The best part was at the end when we listened to Dr King’s famous I’ve Got A Dream speech from Tangled, which tells people not to be mean to each other.
Last night I dreamed Betty Ann Conway ate lunch at my table, but I don’t see that happening either.
Happy Camper
27/01/25: Today was World Holocaust Day, so David Myers brought in his great-grandmother for Show & Tell. After being lowered into Mr Wildman’s naugahyde aviator chair, Mrs Myers told the story of what life was like growing up in World Warp 2. She said one day the Nasties stopped her and her brother from going swimming, so they moved to Pennsylvania where kids are allowed to swim anytime they want and water-ski if they have a cottage. Mrs Myers is really old and looks like a turtle. Just as she was getting to the scariest part of her story, Sky’s non-binary life-partner, Indigo, knocked on our classroom door. She came to pick up Sky’s tool belt which made Mr Wildman real angry and instead of giving Indigo the tool belt, he tossed her the patchouli-scented candle off of Sky’s desk and told them to improvise.
Have you ever watched a great-grandmother laugh out loud?
Mrs Myers was laughing so hard she had to keep wiping her eyes with the secret Kleenex old people hide up their sleeves for emergencies, while Mr Wildman surveyed the room without a word, before turning to Mrs Myers and giving her a wink.
Next thing, he was laughing right along with her.
I don’t think wars are supposed to be funny, but I’m glad Mrs Myers’s had a happy ending.
Change of a Dress
03/02/25: Today Sky came back to work for the start of something called LGBT History Month. A rainbow bandage around her thumb had turned it into a Jolly Rancher popsicle, while her hair was now a pile of blue feathers. First thing, she read us some boring poetry which didn’t even rhyme, then talked a bit about the multi-coloured flags she’d hung up all around the room. When Cody Boone told her he liked the American flag best, Sky referred him to the Encounter Space to see Smiling Owl, the school Guidance Counsellor. I don’t always understand Smiling Owl when he talks to us because his tribe comes from a far away, ancient settlement called Tribeca.
Do you know that if you try to say LGBT, it comes out ligabit, which isn’t a word in the dictionary? If you Google LGBT, a lot of the images are blurred so you can’t even make out what they’re doing. And David Attenborough says there are no such things as unicorns.
Maybe they should have given them a longer month to explain all this.
Double Dating
04/02/25: Today during homeroom, Janiya, the Vice Principal, came in to tell our class that it is not, in fact, LGBT History Month, but Black History Month and that she would be teaching us for the rest of the day because Sky was on a training course.
Canucklehead
07/02/25: Today President Trump said he’s going to make Canada the 51st state. Prime Minister True Dough told Canadians the President keeps saying this because “we have what they need.” Looking outside, I don’t think we need any more snow.
Hatchet Job
24/02/25: Today is the start of Careers Week, which is when different people come in to tell us what jobs they do. We’re still only in Grade 3, but Sky says it’s important for us to focus on the future even though the world’s going to end in 2035. Our class will be getting a visit from a Zero Waste Event Planner, a Mindfulness Coach, an Ethical Hacker, a Digital Detox Specialist and a woman who’s been living up a tree in Fairmount Park ever since election night.
Sky told us we can be anything we want to in America, no matter where we come from, pointing out that Seema Patel’s parents came here from India and are now cardiologists. When Sky asked Seema what she wanted to be when she grew up, Seema told her she wanted to be a cleaner.
Seema didn’t join the rest of us during recess because she had to go see Smiling Owl.
If her parents are cardiologists, I wonder if they can explain some of the lyrics in WAP because half of those words aren’t even in the dictionary.
Give It Arrest
26/02/25: Today Mr Wildman, the Principal, came into our class with two police officers as part of Careers Week. We were supposed to have a talk from an Ethical Hacker, but when he showed up he was met by some other police officers. They all went for a walk and never came back. Anyway, today’s talk was the most fun so far. The police read us our rights, showed how to taser someone and let us handcuff Mr Wildman. Sky told them she knew hand-to-hand combat and pretended to hit the policewoman, who grabbed Sky’s sore thumb and bent it all the way back.
Sky says we’re living in a police state but that’s not the motto on Pennsylvania’s licence plates.
Ice Ice Baby
27/02/2025: Today Sky was off because her thumb, which first got caught in a cement mixer and then got bent all the way back by a policewoman, hurts more than ever. Instead we had Mrs Humbleton who is the oldest teacher in the school. Mrs Humbleton teaches Home Economics and is always bringing in cookies because she and Mr Humbleton can’t have children. If she could, I think Mrs Humbleton would adopt everyone in our class, except maybe for Kenny, who always eats his ingredients on the school bus and then says he forgot to bring them.
Sky emailed Mrs Humbleton a lesson about Ramadan, but she told us they didn’t have Ramadan back in her day, plus she doesn’t know how to open emails, so we were allowed to watch Jason and the Amazing Technicolor Dream Coat while she made hot cross buns for Lent.
When she goes to heaven, I hope God gives Mrs Humbleton her own marshmallow cloud with loads of baby angels and a self-cleaning oven.
There is Nothing Like A Dame
03/03/25: Today Sky returned to work with her thumb in a sling made out of an I’m With Her bandana. She announced that March is Women’s History Month while handing out photographs of women who forgot to smile for the camera. Every day we’re going to learn about a different woman who’s famous for being a woman who did something famous. Today’s woman was Michelle Obama. Michelle Obama wasn’t the President, but her husband was, two times, and if she hadn’t married him she wouldn’t be famous, but she did, which is why she’s a famous woman who did a famous thing.
2025: A Space Oddity
14/03/25: Today Space X rescued two astronauts who were stuck in space for nine months. To celebrate their return to Earth, Americans set fire to their neighbours’ Teslas. Cycling home from school, I noticed our neighbours’ cat stuck up a tree. I was about to get it down, until I remembered I need my bike to get to baseball practice.
Skyfall
18/03/2025: Today when Sky was constructing a Women’s Safe Space at the back of the classroom, she fell off a ladder and crashed through the roof of the Reparations Hut, knocking herself out. From out of nowhere Mr Wildman came rushing into the room, pulled Sky out from underneath all that wood, carried her out to his car, then drove her to hospital. Mrs Humbleton said it looked like a scene from Gone With The Wind.
More like Superman.
100 Daze
28/03/25: Today Donald Trump celebrated 100 days as President. Sky is still off after her accident, so we had Mr Wildman today. He was in a really good mood and told us we could make American flags instead of whispering into our personal wishing wells. In the afternoon, Mrs Humbleton brought in a massive chocolate cake and we all sang the national anthem to a Kid Rock video. Mr Wildman raised his cup of Pepsi Max to Mrs Humbleton and said he’d been waiting four years for today. I don’t think anyone should have to wait four years for anything, so I told Mr Wildman he can use my wishing well anytime he wants.
Call Of Duty
02/04/2025: The President declared today Liberation Day. He did this because everyone around the world pays less for our stuff than we do, so to get even we’re going to start paying more for their stuff. I’m sure this will make more sense when we learn about Equations & Inequalities in Grade 5.
Origin of the Specious
15/04/25: Today the man who owns Amazon sent a rocket into space with six passengers on board. Four were famous influencers and the other two were scientists or something. The influencers unfriended the nerds right after takeoff, then kept to themselves for the rest of the flight, taking selfies and lip-syncing to I Fell In Love With A Starship Trooper. After landing back on Earth, they said we should all become astronauts like them. If you can become an astronaut after only 11 minutes, I wonder how fast it would take to become Wolverine.
Crimea River
01/05/25: Our teacher, Sky, returned to school today. She told us she’s now disabled because of her thumb accidents, so now she has a personal Teaching Assistant who’s going to help her when she needs to write or use scissors. Her name is Haliya and she’s from Ukraine where there’s a war on right now. When Haliya speaks she says each word carefully and looks you straight in the eye, which makes everything she says sound important. Sky told us that May 1st is also called May Day, a day that recognizes the struggle of the working classes to reap their just rewards for their exploited labour. I asked Haliya to explain all that, but she said not to worry because May Day isn’t important.
Holy Smoke
08/05/25: Today the world got a new pope called Pope Leo XIV – Leo’s not his real name because God names them by their star sign. He’s American and Haliya seemed a lot more excited about him than Sky, who gave Leo a thumbs-down with her other thumb that still works.
Under A Rest
11/05/25: Today in Afghanistan the Taliban banned chess. If our whole class writes to the Taliban, I wonder if they could ban the recorder.
Half-Mast Job
02/06/2025: Today Sky came to school wearing pink overalls, rainbow Doc Martens and a Sistas For Tha White House baseball cap. She told us that June is Pride Month and we’d be celebrating famous LBTGQIA+ people in history. I looked over at Haliya and noticed she was still wearing her regular clothes. She also looked a bit confused. Sky asked her to help put up a huge rainbow flag because her injured thumb means she’s disabled, but Haliya said she needed to get something out of her car and left. A few minutes later she returned with a Ukrainian flag and asked if they could put that up as well. Sky asked Haliya about Ukraine’s record on LGBTQIA+ rights. Haliya asked Sky about America’s history of slavery. Neither flag went up.
Pride & Prejudice
03/06/2025: Today when we walked into our classroom, we were greeted by a massive rainbow flag hanging from the ceiling. When I asked Haliya what rainbows are like in her country, she whispered, “They stay in the sky where God wants them.”
Alphabet Soup
09/06/25: Today Sky taught us about the LBTGQAI+ community. It was a little confusing and I’m not sure I understood everything because there were so many people to remember. Cody Boone said his dad wanted their addresses, Aisha was excused because she’s from a country where it hasn’t been invented yet and Diego kept asking how to spell everything because he’s dyslexic. Sky told us we can be anything or anyone we want to be. I told her I wanted to be St Francis of Assisi.
“Well, you can’t,” came her reply. “He’s already lived and that would be like bringing him back to life, which we can’t do.”
“Jesus came back to life,” I reminded her.
“You’re within your rights to believe that.”
“I don’t want girls on our track team; they’re too slow,” Cody protested.
“I want to be a T-Rex,” Owen decided.
“That’s not really what we’re talking about today,” Sky tried to explain.
“What are we talking about today?” Amber asked.
“Owen, you can be reincarnated as a T-Rex,” Krish informed him.
“Seema wants to be a cleaner but Smiling Owl won’t let her,” Maureen announced to the room.
“He’s not even a real owl,” Owen scowled.
“Sky, are you making all this up?” Cody laughed.
Sky looked to Haliya, but Haliya hadn’t noticed because some of us were looking out of the window at a real rainbow.
Net Loss
23/06/25: Today was Sports Day and Sky came in wearing a Man Chased Her United top because that’s her favourite soccer team. Mr Wildman told us that in England everyone is forced to play cricket because The Queen makes children wear cricket sweaters all year round. He also said that if a boys wants to become a hockey player they make him become a figure skater.
I like Sports Day because it means it’s almost the end of school and time for summer vacation. Sky told us that we would be playing loads of different games and that the point of Sports Day was to have fun. Mr Wildman told us it’s okay not to win, but it sucks coming in last. Haliya told us that when she was a little girl growing up under the Russians, if you lost at the Olympics, when you returned home they made you shoot your favourite cow.
Anyway, all the boys won everything unless you count the girls winning at Jumpsies, Double Dutch Skipping and Hopscotch. Even though everyone still got a medal at the end of the day, Maureen O’Connor complained that it was better when the girls only competed against other girls and the boys only competed against the boys. Sky told Maureen that girls can do anything boys can do.
Cody Boone told Sky that wasn’t true because the boys could hang their medals off their you-know-whats.
And you know what?
Cody’s right.
Ukrainian Proverb: If you are afraid of wolves, don’t go to the forest
27/06/25: Today was the last day of Grade 3 and so we had a big party. Sky came to school wearing a bow tie, suspenders, checked pants and golfing shoes. Haliya came to work in a dress she’d made back in Ukraine. It was really colourful with millions of shapes and flowers on it. She brought in lots of food which she cooked last night and Sky said she was getting hungry just from the smell. She asked Haliya to tell us what was in every pot, but as she did so, Sky’s face changed.
“Do they all contain meat?” she frowned.
“Of course,” Haliya appeared surprised at the question.
“It’s just that I’m vegan.”
“I can pick out some onion and put it on a roll for you.”
“No, it’s fine,” Sky mumbled. “Why do you eat meat anyway?”
“It tastes better than cabbage.”
“But meat involves murder.”
“We don’t kill the farmer with the cow,” Haliya stated coolly, unpacking yet more dishes.
“Is the meat halal?” Arjun asked.
“I have bread sticks for you.”
We watched videos, played games and had visits from Mr Wildman, Janiya, Mrs Humbleton and a few other teachers before we had to go to the End Of Year Assembly. Mr Wildman told everyone that it had been another great year for our school, despite what they were now saying on the news. This was because at the start of the year we were the second-worst grade school in Philadelphia, until the students at the worst school burned theirs down, making us the worst.
“At least we’re number one at something,” Cody shrugged his shoulders.
“Haliya, are you coming back in September?” I asked.
“Of course,” she smiled, giving my hand a squeeze.
“‘Rajesh said he heard Mrs Humbleton say you’re going back to Ukraine.”
Haliya gave me the same look my mum gives me after going through our old baby pictures. And it was at this moment I decided she was the nicest lady in the world and that I would ask my parents if her family could come live with us.
“I need to see my father and my brothers. I’ll only be gone two weeks.”
“But it’s on the news! Can’t you just stay here where it’s safer?” I was begging now.
“When I’m home, I’ll be riding horses and swimming in the river and going to barbecues every night with friends,” Haliya explained, “so please don’t worry. I wouldn’t go home if it wasn’t safe.”
We never saw her again.
Mr Ormsby At Large 