When canny cannibals suggest You call round as a dinner guest You're right to feel suspicious They're hoping you're delicious And if the book next to the pan Is How To Serve Your Fellow Man It's time to quit the venue 'Cause guess who's on the menu?
The female spider dines alone For reasons chilling to the bone Perhaps more dates would turn out right If she could curb her appetite
“My dry cleaner’s been wearing my clothes when she goes on dates,” Laverne announced.“How do you know?”“Last night she posted a picture of herself in a dress identical to one I dropped off two days ago.”“How’d she look in it?” I asked tentatively.“Fabulous.”“Bitch.”“Exactly.”“Want me to cut her?”“We’ll swing by on the way home. On Saturdays, … Continue reading Just Desserts
Our friend, the snail, needs never pack For all it owns is on its back It heads out on the open road Quite unencumbered by its load Snails never need to book hotels Instead they curl up in their shells Emerging when they feel the need To partake in an evening feed We mock the … Continue reading Less Cargo
When dining out we’re well aware Our manners are on view We open doors like Fred Astaire Insisting... After you! Which silverware to use and when And how to hold a glass While tackling pommes parisienne Delineate one’s class. But not so in the cinema The difference is stark Because it’s hard to be bourgeois … Continue reading Creature Feature
“I’m being sued by the Catholic Church again,” Laverne announced, while reorganising her purse.“I have no words for that.”“How unlike you,” she mused.“Hold on, I thought you were working on a piece about the East African Lion,” I suddenly remembered.“Turns out all they do is sleep. My son can do that.”“Have you ever been to … Continue reading Model Behaviour
Several years ago while travelling around Ukraine I entered the only shop in a remote village to buy a couple of cold drinks. Placing my purchases on the counter, the elderly shopkeeper tallied my bill on an abacus then pushed it toward me. Not entirely up to speed on ancient counting tools which predate our … Continue reading Emotional Baggage
Went out with friends for Christmas Eve lunch at The Pu Pu Pot. Everyone was a regular, except for Steve, who stopped eating Chinese food after watching a Channel 4 documentary on bats. Whilst perusing the menu, Laverne casually asked if anyone had ever tried Shirako. "Sounds Japanese, not Chinese," I said. "The Japanese call … Continue reading ‘Tis The Seasoning