Star Spangled Boner

A lot of people ask me the difference between Canadians and Americans. Well, first the facts: our country's larger, our population's smaller, Canadian men liked wearing clogs in the '70s and we've never considered testing the viscosity of spray cheese in space a worthwhile scientific endeavour. I noticed while working abroad that colleagues soon began … Continue reading Star Spangled Boner

Bushwhacked

We have a hedge - when I say we I’m merely being neighbourly Which separates us from next door We’re Number Two, they're Number Four. The hedge is green and not too tall And forms a living, breathing wall Which houses hedgehogs, snails and toads Who are no match for busy roads. The problem is, … Continue reading Bushwhacked

Hue and Cry

On the news they warn: the city's now a combat zone Turned off the TV and went outside to be alone Some I know are marching, mostly peaceful, others not Strangers now are asking me if I'm a patriot Sitting in my garden, how I love the peace and quiet I'll fight for a cause … Continue reading Hue and Cry

Alpha Mail

The moment I turn down your streetThere’s no one that I wish to meetSo step aside or feel my wrath‘Cause I’m a walking psychopath.I don’t care how you feel todayIf so-and-so has moved awayOr that you think the neighbour’s gayBecause he took up macramé.I’ll knock your pots then slam the gateAnd feed that dog of … Continue reading Alpha Mail

Seasoned Greetings

When greeting guests in Tokyo The custom is to bow down low While in Tibet both old and young Say hi by sticking out their tongue. In France it’s chic to peck the cheek And friends will clap in Mozambique Though Greenlanders will sniff your face Before they help you with your case. Most Eskimos … Continue reading Seasoned Greetings

Peace Nicked

“Have you been following events in The Ukraine?” “John, we no longer call it that.” “No longer call what what?” “We no longer call it The Ukraine.” “What are you talking about?” “We just say Ukraine now; they've dropped the The,” Laverne gave me the lowdown. “Who did?” “The Ukrainians.” “Don’t you mean Ukrainians?” “That’s … Continue reading Peace Nicked

Chat Room

The cashier took my money Without even glancing up So I said something funny As a means to interrupt Her name tag spelled out Mary And she didn’t think it cute When I rhymed it with scary Before asking: Are you mute? The parking lot attendant Waved me past while on the phone A job … Continue reading Chat Room