Mass Hysteria

In Physics, nothingness has weight Which leads to some disquiet Among the more dense who debate: So, why then do we diet?

Mind The Gap

Ever go upstairs and not remember why you did?Or take the groceries out the car but then forget the kid?Ever open up the fridge and find the teapot in it?Forget to play the lottery then curse when others win it?Lose your keys? Kill the grass? Return home to check the gas?Fail to find your car … Continue reading Mind The Gap

Sole Mates

Park Guy Running by Catching everybody’s eye Chiseled face Killer pace Never comes in second place Hasn’t time to stop and chat Training isn’t meant for that Sprints past like a thoroughbred Focused on the road ahead You enflame It’s a game Will I ever learn your name? Park Guy Running by Catching everybody’s eye

Present Tense

The day I want to bake some bread You’ll be the first to know Were you confused that time I said I need to make more dough? And should I wish to buy a goat Around the holidays Feel free to name it but take note I'd like it honey-glazed. A scented candle lets me … Continue reading Present Tense

Watch Your Tongue

When canny cannibals suggest You call round as a dinner guest You're right to feel suspicious They're hoping you're delicious And if the book next to the pan Is How To Serve Your Fellow Man It's time to quit the venue 'Cause guess who's on the menu?

Boxing Clever

Last week, I received a surprise phone call from my doctor.“Mr Ormsby?”“Yes.”“Oh, good… so you’re not dead then. It’s Dr Shapiro here. We need to make you an appointment.”“Club fees due?”“Not 'til October.”“Daughter getting married?”“Chance would be a fine thing.”“Class action going ahead?”“It worked on macaques, didn't it?”“Okay, you got me,” I conceded defeat.“I need … Continue reading Boxing Clever

Aisle Stand By You

“I feel like a Stepford Wife.” “That explains the outfit then.” “No, I’m serious. I no longer feel comfortable buying just anything, only what’s needed,” Laverne complained, as she headed down the cookie aisle. “We’re being reprogrammed to become more altruistic which I guess isn’t a bad thing.” “Toilet paper’s back there,” I gestured behind … Continue reading Aisle Stand By You

Stalk Options

“My stalker’s released more nude photos of me.” “How’s your hair in them?” “Fabulous. I'd just had it done.” “Let's have a look.” Laverne slid her phone across the table. “You owe him one,” I agreed, swiping through a considerable collection of images. “Maybe you should get him something.” “Like what?” “Halloween's coming up.” “What … Continue reading Stalk Options

It Started When You Farted

It's taken a lifetime to get here but it's been worth it. I've just published my first book of poems. I hope you enjoy reading them as much as I enjoyed writing them. I'm currently setting up Maple Syrup Publishing to remain autonomous, but for now you can find It Started When You Farted: Witty … Continue reading It Started When You Farted