Aisle Stand By You

“I feel like a Stepford Wife.” “That explains the outfit then.” “No, I’m serious. I no longer feel comfortable buying just anything, only what’s needed,” Laverne complained, as she headed down the cookie aisle. “We’re being reprogrammed to become more altruistic which I guess isn’t a bad thing.” “Toilet paper’s that way,” I pointed behind … Continue reading Aisle Stand By You

Stalk Options

“My stalker’s released more nude photos of me.” “How’s your hair in them?” “Fabulous. I'd just had it done.” “Let's have a look.” Laverne slid her phone across the table. “You owe him one,” I agreed, swiping through a considerable collection of images. “Maybe you should get him something.” “Like what?” “Halloween's coming up.” “What … Continue reading Stalk Options

It Started When You Farted

It's taken a lifetime to get here but it's been worth it. I've just published my first book of poems. I hope you enjoy reading them as much as I enjoyed writing them. I'm currently setting up Maple Syrup Publishing to remain autonomous, but for now you can find It Started When You Farted: Witty … Continue reading It Started When You Farted

Don’t Stand So Close To Me

The new teacher entered the classroom and took her seat, greeting no one. Perpetua Tightwaters was having a bad day but her deportment made it impossible for the students to tell because she held only one expression in her armoury: disapproval. A fierce-looking woman with grey-blue eyes which devoured their prey whole, she could scan … Continue reading Don’t Stand So Close To Me

Thank Queue

“I’m watching you,” the voice came down the phone.“Where are you?” I asked, pulling into the car park.“Drive straight on until you see a yellow Smart Car. I’m just past it on the right.”“Did you say yellow Smart Car?”“I know, don’t even...”“Who in their right mind drives around in a yellow Smart Car?”“Banana Man.”“Who’s Banana … Continue reading Thank Queue

Suture Self

Last month I received a letter from my doctor reminding me it was time for my annual health check. The fact it was addressed Dear Sir/Madam did ring a few alarm bells, given he's taken at least three selfies with my prostate, but with no offence taken I followed doctor's orders and booked an appointment … Continue reading Suture Self

Helluva Twist

To the Finder Should you happen upon these pages, Dear Reader, you will acquaint yourself with the final remembrances of a life – my life – which is no longer of any consequence to those who mattered most to me. For the record, I was christened Anne, branding me with the same scarlet stain borne … Continue reading Helluva Twist

‘Tis The Seasoning

Went out with friends for Christmas Eve lunch at The Pu Pu Pot. Everyone was a regular, except for Steve, who stopped eating Chinese food after watching a Channel 4 documentary on bats. Whilst perusing the menu, Laverne casually asked if anyone had ever tried shirako. "Sounds Japanese, not Chinese," I said. "The Japanese call … Continue reading ‘Tis The Seasoning