Last week, I received a surprise phone call from my doctor.“Mr Ormsby?”“Yes.”“Oh, good… so you’re not dead then. It’s Dr Shapiro here. We need to make you an appointment.”“Club fees due?”“Not 'til October.”“Daughter getting married?”“Chance would be a fine thing.”“Class action going ahead?”“It worked on macaques, didn't it?”“Okay, you got me,” I conceded defeat.“I need … Continue reading Boxing Clever
A lot of people ask me the difference between Canadians and Americans. Well, first the facts: our country's larger, our population's smaller, Canadian men liked wearing clogs in the '70s and we've never considered testing the viscosity of spray cheese in space a worthwhile scientific endeavour. I noticed while working abroad that colleagues soon began … Continue reading Star Spangled Boner
Randomly flicking through the TV channels I happened upon a show called Child Genius, a programme whose aim is to discover which children in Britain have never been allowed to climb a tree, drink Fanta and make friends their own age. Contestants range in age from 8 - 12 in Earth years and from what … Continue reading Ante Establishment
I have a friend, Mr Dearden Statistics say he’s one in ten Who lives at Number 2-2-3 Look for the house that has a tree. His job is fixing old machines Throughout the night, by any means Days off, he reconditions cars And meets his mates in select bars. Devoted uncle, brother, son He always … Continue reading Decimulled
On her rounds every night She’s a curious sight With her trolley and crushed velvet hat As she shuffles in shoes Lined with yesterday’s news Through the town like a wayfaring cat Where are you from, Crazy Annie? What have you done, Crazy Annie? Now and then she will stop To peer into a shop … Continue reading Stone Pillow
My mother was a medical professional who worked long hours. When she came home in the evenings her day didn’t end there because she would then make supper, help us with our homework, do laundry, iron, wait up for my father to return home from work, etc. It wasn’t until I was older that I … Continue reading Maximum Overload
After work I thought I'd venture into Manchester to check out the city's annual Mardi Gras shenanigans. Caught up in the spirit of goodwill, I ditched the 4x4 and opted instead for public transport to help save the Himalayan Poop Bat which, I've been reliably informed by my 16 year old niece, is hunted to … Continue reading Party Bigwig
I’ve got two mutts who sniff the buttsOf dogs whom they don’t knowBut what is worse and quite perverseThis passes for Hello!Imagine if we all did thisWhen meeting someone newIf that’s Hello! I'd like to knowHow one would say Adieu!
To the Finder Should you happen upon these pages, Dear Reader, you will acquaint yourself with the final remembrances of a life – my life – which is no longer of any consequence to those who mattered most to me. For the record, I was christened Anne, branding me with the same scarlet stain borne … Continue reading Helluva Twist
In the spirit of the season, I drove an elderly neighbour to mass this morning after she knocked on my door claiming to need a lift due to the icy weather. The Church of St Mary Magdalene (didn't get that memo) is a local Catholic landmark conspicuously situated between the Women's Health Centre and Darth … Continue reading I Noah Guy…
Mr Ormsby At Large 