Beware the Ides! foretells the fall Of he who rose to conquer Gaul And lands still further from his home This warrior, this son of Rome. On his return to claim his right A haruspex with second sight Met Caesar by the Senate arch To warn him of the Ides of March. They’d killed an ox and found no spleen An omen that could only mean The Consul should fear for his life As did, Calpurnia, his wife. But Caesar didn’t fear the gods For he had overcome the odds To overshadow mortal men And take his seat in Rome again. So came the day, but nothing passed Until the Senators amassed Fulfilling what was prophesied Thus, on the fifteenth, Caesar died. Of every haruspex, it’s said They earn their living from the dead And though they claim the role of seer It’s often what we overhear
I gave my heart to you, my love One February night Invoking all that’s up above I prayed you’d hold it tight. And after we had made romance (for that’s what I still call it) You rose and gave a loving glance Then made off with my wallet. The next day you were seen at lunch With someone I don’t know But looking back, I have a hunch It was with your new beau. I hope the roasted Cornish hen And champagne went down well Before they came right up again And cleared the whole hotel. According to my Visa bill You both then saw a play A great night out is greater still When you don’t have to pay. Despite the slight cost overrun At least I’m not alone For in your haste to kiss and run You left behind your phone. And so, my love, for us it ends As does your victory lap For you’ve just texted all your friends To say you’ve got the clap.